i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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