but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
