the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just threw up on my dentist
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
