Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
