Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
