you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
