Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
