Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
