Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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