new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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