I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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