I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
