i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
