I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
