Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
