just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
