I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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