Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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