Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
