i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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