you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
