I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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