Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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