a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
