Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
