I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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