She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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