Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
