I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
