He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
