she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
