You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
