My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
