my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
