o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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