Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
