So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
