Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
