I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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