Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
