____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
