You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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