there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
