I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
