he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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