i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
