Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
