Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
