Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
