did you get engaged???
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
