I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
