Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
